You've Reached Sam

Title You've Reached Sam
Author Dustin Thao
Genre YA, romance, fantasy
Topics grief, loss, moving on
Length 304p
Cover design Kerri Resnick
Cover illustration Zipcy
Publish info November 9, 2021 by Wednesday Books
Rating ✵✵✵✵

"... Are you there?"

Seventeen-year-old Julie is about to start the life she's ever wanted, the one she has planned out in the smallest details with her boyfriend Sam: after graduation they'll move in together in a bigger city to persue their dream careers. They never imagined that a tragic night would take Sam away, nor that she would have had to move on without him. After trying to forget what happened, a letter Sam wrote before the accident makes her realize her mistake. In the lowest point of her day, soaked and lost in the woods, lying face down in the mud, Julie is desperate to hear Sam's voice again. The last thing she would expect is for Sam to pick up the phone.

Dustin Thao sure doesn't waste time easing us into the story: the prologue is all about Sam and Julie's love story, from when they met each other to when they got together. This will be just one taste of the life ominously called "BEFORE" Thao gives us, in those few chapters in which it is the true temporary protagonist of the book.

Needless to say, we can already identify his evocative and delicate style that would move the most cold-hearted person, without being soppy or a tearjerker. This is one of the reasons I wondered more than once about the classification of the book in the Young Adult category: I guess the choice is made in that direction because it revolves around a teenager, with her universe of interactions and daily life. If we wouldn't take those circumstances into account, the description of grief is able to resonate so much to someone who has experienced it, in any form, that I would put a notice for trigger warning on them, just in case.
This book was different for sure: the original idea on which it is based will hook you looking for an answer, and will make you second guess its nature. And the more we dive into the book, the more we can appreciate the talent of this new author: the dialogues are realistic and each interaction with the other characters helps us to have a deeper insight of their single worlds and personalities, creating full bodied creatures. The leitmotif is patiently uncovered with a gentle and yet capable touch: we'll follow Julie in her best and worst moments, until she will be ready to let go without forgetting, and start her healing by living again. It's slow, it's realistic, it's selfless, it's cathartic.

The reading experience and the feelings in which I got caught were not enough, though, to distract me from a couple of little details that let me with a puzzling aftertaste.

Just a little warning: there could be minor spoilers ahead.

For how much realistic and mature this book can be, some secondary topics can seem juvenile to an older reader. The classification speaks clearly for itself.
Sometimes the dialogues between Julie and Sam are so vague, I think the author could have contradict himself or at least make Julie pass for the kind of girl that doesn't pay enough attention and keeps repeating the questions more than once in various occasions. Maybe it was part of the hoping and grieving process.
But the reason the author gives Sam to have picked the phone up is the real deal.

SPOILERS

Here's the message Sam leaves in his phone after Julie doesn't pick up, breaking the connection for good.

Sam’s voice comes through the phone. “Hey—so, I’m not sure if I should do this … Or if it will even work. I probably should have said this to you over the phone, but we ran out of time. Or maybe, the truth is, I was scared you would think of me differently … That is, if you knew why I picked up the phone that first time—” He pauses. “Before we hung up, you said something that made me feel a bit guilty. You said I picked up your call that night because you needed me. I guess part of that is true. But that isn’t the reason I answered.” A long pause. “The truth is … I picked up because—because I needed you. I needed to hear your voice again, Julie. Because I wanted to make sure you didn’t forget me. You see, I took you to all those places—like the fields, to see the stars that night—so that you’d always remember. So that whenever you looked up at the sky at night, you’d think of me. Because I didn’t want to let you go yet. I never wanted to say good-bye, Jules. And I never wanted you to, either. That’s why I stayed as long as I could. So don’t blame yourself for anything. It was me that was keeping you from your life. Maybe it was a bit selfish of me. But I was just so scared you’d forget. I realize now I made it a lot harder for you to move on. And I hope you forgive me for that.”

Sam pauses again. “Remember back in the fields, when I asked what you wanted … if you could have anything? Well—I want those things, too, Jules. I want to be there with you. I want to graduate with you guys. I want to move out of Ellensburg, and live with you, and grow old together. But I can’t.” Another pause. “But you still can. You can still have all those things, Julie. Because you deserve them. And you deserve to fall in love a dozen times, because you are kind and beautiful, and who wouldn’t fall in love with you? You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. And when I think about my life, I think of you in it. You are my entire world, Julie. And one day, maybe I’ll only be a small piece of yours. I hope you keep that piece.”

Static comes through the line.

“I love you more than you can ever know, Julie. I’ll never forget the time we had together. So please don’t forget me, okay? Try to think of me from time to time. Even if it’s only for a moment. It would mean so much. You have no idea.” A long pause, followed by static. “I should go now. Thank you … for not picking up the phone this time. Good-bye, Julie.”

The voice mail ends.

This piece right here is what makes you finally loosen up and weep, at least internally.
But it's also what makes you consider the whole book under another light entirely.
We've followed Julie in her grief journey. If you thought the same as me in some moments, and how Sam hints at least once, you'll agree that maybe it wasn't such a great idea for Sam to pick up in the first place: it hurt Julie longer, even with the higher and romantic purpose of finally bid farewell. And wouldn't the perspective to pretend that everything is fine, and your life will still go on with your significant other, be too appealing to ignore?
But then it hits you: no one cared too much about Sam. Even when Julie wanted to help him out leaving his mark behind, I'm not sure many people have stopped to consider what was going on on the other side of the call. Why he was hurt so much, why he was so "ungrateful" towards her "nice gesture".
Sticking beside Julie and watching her regain her future, we are lead to forget about the boy that doesn't have one, or to skip those moments in which we are, because Sam never had a chance to chime in.
This different perspective, this eagerness to be remembered, ultimately destroys the romantic intent behind it. It stains the final goodbye with selfishness, pity, almost disappointment. And the more you think about it after you're done reading and the feelings have cooled down, the more your rational mind makes you look at the pathetic figure of Sam with a slight pinch of embarassment.
The author couldn't have done a better job with that unexpected and sudden change of perspective, still masked behind the thick heart-shaped glasses of love.
Another good (but not as deep) ending would have been after Julie weakens for the second time the connection with Sam, to let him console his little brother. A little bit out of topic, but I really appreciated how Julie endangeres their connection not once but twice, both time for selfless reasons.

“Thank you for this,” he says. “But I have to go now.” “I understand,” I say. And then the call ends. Just like that.

END OF SPOILERS

This reading was surprising for sure. The author's skills assure him to be remembered well after the last line, and for him to have eyes on the next publication.

I know you’re here, Sam. I can feel you. Because you’re everywhere. You were back in the coffee shop, there at the lake, somewhere waiting in these fields. All this time I’ve been wondering why we’ve been given this second chance. But maybe we’re always connected, even after you’re gone. Because I can never completely lose you. You’re a part of me now. You’re everywhere I look, falling from the sky like petals.

Last but not least, the artistically beautiful cover of the book. Split in the middle, reflecting the main characters' physical and mental condition, and yet it's not a static composition. Both Sam and Julie reach out to each other, Sam leaning his head on hers and stepping into her world once more, Julie holding on his hand to keep his presence in the living realm, but also reaching out on his. They are not only balanced, but their bodies create a closed circle to reflect the one of life, connected to all living things. Maybe I'm reading too much into the cover, but I also like to think that the contraposition of the two colours, cold and warm, is not made based on gender (at least not only) but to follow the contrast between the two realities and nature of the worlds they are now living in.